Giving Empathetic Feedback
This Dvar Torah was originally published in Torah && Tech, the weekly newsletter I publish together with my good friend Ben Greenberg. To get the weekly issue delivered straight to your inbox click here.
In last week’s issue of T&&T, we spoke about how we can learn from the laws of the Metzora that sometimes the best way to deal with a toxic situation is to remove the toxicity so that we can maintain a positive, healthy environment.
How do we put that in practice?
Suppose you’re a senior member of your team and it’s time to provide feedback to the new developer. You’re chomping at the bit. You’ve been bottling up opinions, and boy can’t you wait to let them know.
This developer is terrible! Their code consistently breaks production, their variable names follow no convention known to man, and, worst of all, they use tabs instead of spaces!
Of course part of you feels guilty for chewing them out, but hey, “it’s for their own good” says that little voice in your head; even the Torah says that sometimes you have to remove toxic influences from your life and your team.
There’s an interesting law regarding the Metzora. When a person suspects that they may have Tzara’at, they must go to a Kohen, and only the Kohen can pronounce them pure or impure. Even if the Kohen does not know the complex laws of Tzara’at, he must consult a scholar who will inspect the afflicted person and tell the Kohen to “say Tameh” or “say Tahor,” and only once the Kohen makes his pronunciation would the person become impure.
The question begs itself; why the need for the Kohen? If it’s the scholar who makes the determination why can’t he “cut out the middleman” and pronounce the person impure himself? Furthermore, there is no other state of impurity with a similar restriction, why is Tzara’at singled out as the only one that requires a Kohen to establish the state of impurity?
The answer lies in the severity of the Tzara’at impurity. Tzara’at is the only state of impurity in which the person was removed from the community. A pronouncement of Tzara’at was, in effect, a verdict of excommunication. Before handing down such a “Psak” (verdict), the Torah wanted to be sure there were no dark motives involved.
To that effect, the Torah requires that any pronunciation of Tzara’at would go through a Kohen. Kohanim are the essential lovers of Israel; they are descendants of Aharon who was famous as the “lover of peace and pursuer of peace.” The blessing the Kohanim make before the Birchat Kohanim says they are commanded to “bless the Jewish nation with love.”
Only a Kohen, the epitome of unconditional love, could be trusted with the ultimate of all punishments. If the Kohen pronounced someone a Metzorah we could be sure he explored all avenues to avoid the situation first, and we could be sure he would do everything in his power to resolve the situation and pronounce the person Tahor as soon as possible.
So should you avoid giving critical feedback? Of course not! Constructive, actionable feedback is how we all grow. But before you do take a close look at your motivation.
Is the feedback coming from a place of empathy and a desire to improve or are there darker forces at play?
If we make sure that our feedback is coming from a place of empathy we will find that, not only will it not contribute to a toxic situation, but it will be accepted much easier and have the desired results more often.
Shabbat Shalom,
Yechiel
